Pleasure Over Guilt

I was thinking about happily writing a new post where I would announce that my eyelashes were growing back... but I thought about it too much, and I plucked most of them out again.

Why are human beings so voracious? So destructive?

That flicker of pain - that glee I feel from plucking them out and eating them... and then the hours, years, long-term depression that I feel...

Is it worth it? No... but I am far too lustful, too emotional to care at times. I am overwhelmed by the obsession of wanting to, needing to pluck. My heart beats for that 'twang' of pain I feel once the hair has been plucked out. I will do anything - at any cost to pluck it; my sights have been set, I must have it. Even if it means reddening and pinching my eyelids until they bleed.

Why do I do this? I suppose I could say the same and ask you, "why do you bite your nails? Why do you nibble your mouth? Why do you have strange habits?"
Although, plucking out one's eyelashes is probably a lot more destructive than biting one's nail.. I suppose this is the prime reason why my right eye sags a lot more than the left.

And I suppose that I am sharing this in public (although not to that many viewers, which is somewhat less intimidating) because I want you to know so that I may feel shame. I want you to know what stage my eyelashes are at so that one day in the future I will be able to show you that I can finally apply mascara.


So I share this picture, and say to myself and to my future-self: is it worth it? Look at these tired eyes; they're sick of your shit. Are you still hurting, and plucking, and hating yourself? Do you wear mascara?

Because I'm hurting right now. And I hate you so much.

Your few seconds of pleasure hurts me forever.

To read more about this condition, please read through this extremely informative website:
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/trichotillomania/Pages/introduction.aspx